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Attachment
Secure Attachment : Part 3
How to Identify A Secure Attachment in Romantic Relationships
Someone with a secure attachment style is able to see relationships more holistically. They view relationships as deeply meaningful and pleasurable, but they understand that they also come along with hardships. Securely attached individuals perceive themselves and others as generally trustworthy and well-meaning, but also understand that they are both fallible and may get things wrong sometimes.
Individuals with this attachment style tend to live in the present moment. They are very rarely preoccupied with the past or the future, which helps lessen feelings of anxiety and/or regret. They can be thoughtful about romantic relationships and do not feel the need to rush progress quickly, but are able to respect their particular pace. They aim to align their goals and values with the other person and are able to think about whether the relationship could develop and last long term.
Securely attached individuals are able to trust and rely on their partner, as they do not anticipate betrayal or abandonment. They are able to genuinely give and receive affection without fear or confusion. Individuals with a secure attachment value both their own needs and the needs of others, which makes them highly flexible in relationships. In instances where an expressed need is not met, they are able to find alternative ways to meet their need, whilst acknowledging disappointment before moving on. Repairing relational ruptures is incredibly important to those with this attachment type. They aim to resolve conflicts in a thoughtful, calm manner; and it is uncommon for them to become critical or defensive. Above all, this type of attachment style values collaboration, which allows them to see the other person’s view, whilst calmly explaining theirs. Fairness is important to them and they will not sacrifice others’ needs for themselves or their needs for another.
It is worthwhile to note that securely attached people may also experience the same hardships as others in a relationship, such as conflict or being with the wrong partner. However, a secure attachment provides a healthier base for the individual to be more robust and resilient – often learning from those mistakes so that they do not repeat them. In addition, as attachment responses are fluid, they can change depending on the dynamics of relationship. Securely attached individuals may also at times behave in an insecurely attached manner. However, they are able to be more cognizant of their behavior and adapt more healthily.
To learn more about your attachment style, click here to take our Attachment Style Quiz.
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Kimona Premjith is a clinical Psychologist at The Wellness Evolution. One of her special areas of interest is in Women’s health and fertility challenges, also dealing with peri-natal health and post-partum depression. Visit our website www.thewellnessevolution.co.za/about-kimona-premjith for more information or to book an appointment.
