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The 10 Commandments For Healthy Relationships
The 10 Commandments For Healthy Relationships is a series which covers guidelines for maintaining healthy relationships. Join me on this journey as I unpack the much necessary nutrition for your relationship commitments.
In the vast ocean of human connection, relationships are the intricate vessels that carry us through life’s ebbs and flows. As a psychologist with one of my areas of interest being in couple’s therapy, I’ve had the privilege of journeying with couples as they navigate the complexities of love, trust, and understanding. Through my experiences, I’ve come to recognize recurring patterns and essential principles that serve as guiding lights in fostering thriving and resilient relationships.
In order for any relationship to work, both parties need to agree to a set of ground rules. These guidelines ensure a level of respect, security, and predictability within the relationship. Drawing on deep psychological concepts, we have put together the following 10 commandments for a healthy relationship:
1. There Shall be a Pilot and a Co-pilot
I often see three distinct types of couple relationships:
- The first style is where two people are constantly fighting to be in the pilot’s seat – both parties want to call the shots and take control – which results in constant power struggle.
- The second type of relationship is where both parties want to be in the passenger seat. Neither one wants to take ownership – which means that the plane will surely crash because there is no pilot.
- The third type of relationship is when both parties agree to share the responsibilities within the relationship. One person will assume the position of the pilot, and the other person will assume the position of the co-pilot, and vice versa. For example, one party may be the pilot with regard to the finances in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the co-pilot isn’t informed or involved in decision-making when it comes to finances. It simply comes down to negotiating roles and responsibilities within the relationship, which can provide much relief and help manage expectations.
2. Though Shalt not Invite a Third
For a relationship to be healthy, it needs to be between two people. Inviting a third party opens the relationship up to potential sabotage and contamination. Psychologists refer to this concept as triangulation.
One of our earliest experiences of triangulation is when a couple has a child. Young children are quite egocentric, which is developmentally appropriate. In their minds they are the centre of their parents’ worlds. But at a certain age they start to notice that their parents have a relationship that excludes them. As this is a very painful process for children to experience, they may engage in certain unconscious manipulative behaviours to sabotage their parent’s relationship. Some behaviours are quite overt and parents can even find it amusing when their child squeezes in between them on the couch or separates their hands when handholding. Other behaviours are more covert, and parents can find themselves engaging in explosive arguments with one another over incidents such as bathtime and bedtime as a result of their child creating a divide between them.
In an effort to keep your relationship safe from potential sabotage, it’s important to negotiate clear boundaries with all possible third parties, which include our in-laws, friends, and children.
3. Guard Thy Tongue
We need to be intentional about the language and communication we use in a relationship. It important to be sensitive towards the other person’s sensitivities. Even laughing at joke that someone makes at your spouse’s expense can be so hurtful and damaging to your partner. Although the nature of relationships is one of rupture and repair, we should not be careless when it comes to ruptures. In addition, those past ruptures should help us understand the core wounds of our partner and inform our future behaviour.
4. Make Time to Live
So many couples I see are in a space where they are constantly reacting to one another. Life is so busy, and it can feel like a chore to make time to be together, but it is crucial that we take time to pause and actively connect with one another, as well as work on our relationship without any distractions. If businesses see the importance of holding a weekly staff meeting and incorporating team building activities, how much more so does a marriage need these essential ingredients to function optimally.
Creating a weekly meeting to discuss the relationship, and scheduling a consistent time to connect and have fun with one another can really be a game changer.
5. Take Stock of Your Scripts
There is a story of a little girl watching her mother make a roast. She sees her mom cut off each end of the roast before placing it in the dish to put in the oven. Curious, she asks her mom why she cuts off the two ends of the roast before cooking it. Her mother replies: “I do this because my mom always did it”. So, the little girl goes to her grandmother and asks the same question, to which her grandmother replies: “I do it because my mother did so”. The girl then goes to her great grandmother and asks her the same question, to which she replies: “I cut off the two ends because I never had an oven dish big enough for the whole roast to fit in”.
We all come from somewhere and have been raised with different scripts. These are the rules passed down to us from previous generations. Adulthood, and particularly marriage, helps us become aware of these pre-existing scrips and allows us to figure out which scripts work for us and which ones don’t. Some of these scripts may not have even worked for your parents. It’s not a betrayal or disrespectful to do things differently to our parents. We are allowed to create scripts that work for us and our family. Your mom may have slaved in the kitchen to put together a well-rounded meal that included all the food groups, but by the time supper time came around she was too exhausted and overwhelmed to enjoy the meal with her family. Perhaps it’s more important for you to rather make something quick and easy as your priority may be to enjoy meal times with your family, rather than serving the finest cuisine.
Unlearning these scripts is a process as they are so ingrained in us, but it can be extremely liberating once you begin to identify and let go of scripts that no longer serve you.
6. Thou Shalt Respect Differences
The beauty of a relationship is not found in our similarities, but in our differences. It is so much wiser and more practical to expend effort on respecting these differences, rather than trying to erase them. If a couple does not determine some ground rules of how to work through differences respectfully, the relationship can suffer so much consistent damage and trauma to the extent that it is irreparable.
7. Be Faithful
Every profession has guidelines regarding confidentiality. This is because a lack of discretion creates a breeding ground for mistrust to develop. Being faithful means that a couple recognises that certain parts of their relationship are private, and that disclosing particular details to anyone outside their union would be a betrayal and ultimately threaten the relationship. It’s imperative that we are mindful to not disclose any information that could potentially embarrass our partner. If we do need to confide in someone to make sense of certain dynamics in the relationship, the third party should be carefully selected and there should be a clear intention and purpose regarding the disclosure.
8. Withholding Leads to Withholding
So many interactions are transactional these days, and unfortunately there is a tendency for this to develop in our relationships. It’s important to remember that withholding begets withholding. Being in a relationship means that each person is in service of the other. A committed relationship is different to being roommates: there shouldn’t be an excel spreadsheet documenting what each of us contribute to the relationship.
We should rather adopt a spirit of generosity – where we share of ourselves and our resources abundantly with the other person. This typically results in our partner adopting the same principle of generosity and treating us accordingly. Essentially, generosity breeds generosity.
9. Be True To Yourself
As mentioned in commandment number 7, it’s imperative that we don’t betray our partner. It’s even more important that we do not betray ourselves in a relationship. One of my areas of expertise is personality; particularly personality pathology. When assessing personality, there are many continuums, such as agreeableness versus disagreeableness. Women in particular tend to be more agreeable than men, which means that they have a tendency to recognise and accommodate the needs of others. However, this can often lead one to override their needs entirely and over-accommodate the other person. In this way, we can consistently betray ourselves and our needs in a relationship, which is a breeding ground for resentment to develop.
10. Resentment is a Toxic State of Being
The first sign that a school is in trouble is when the pool starts to go green. Similarly, one of the first signs that a relationship is in trouble is when you start to focus on what you do for the other person, rather than what the other person is doing for you. This typically develops into a couple arguing over who is doing more than the other. It is so important to not take the other person for granted and to hold in mind just how much our partner does for us. We need to show appreciation. Even for things that are expected.
From establishing clear roles and boundaries to cultivating gratitude and appreciation, each commandment offers a roadmap for building resilient and harmonious bonds. As we conclude our journey, let us carry forward these timeless principles, embracing the beauty of partnership, and nurturing the seeds of love and compassion in our lives. Remember, the path to a fulfilling relationship is not without its challenges, but with dedication, communication, and a commitment to growth, we can cultivate relationships that stand the test of time. Here’s to a future filled with love, connection, and thriving relationships.
Rivka Hadar is the practice owner of The Wellness Evolution and a registered clinical psychologist. She is available to see patients both in –person and online. For more information regarding Rivka’s areas of expertise, please visit her profile on our website: https://www.thewellnessevolution.co.za/meet-the-team/
